Travelling

More than often i have strangled a cringe to write down my thoughts altogether when they should have been out there on a piece of paper or with someone who could have paid a bit of attention; i failed miserably at both, finding a piece of paper and that person. Different people are built differently, thats a no brainer but why i am saying all this? I felt an extreme urge to express myself out of my own skin that i just crumbled under my own thoughts and chaos around me. I often feel angry at myself not having done enough to express myself with people i care about- its just to say i dont think they would have understood if i tried more desperately than i already have. The outcome is most likely to be the same even on another try. We just never give up the hope, do we? It seems the hope is the most effective felt looking to mend something broken from the past. Hopeless yet a strange feeling arising from the need to be understood perhaps?

A faint recollection of the past, yet a strong shadow on the present; we painfully absorb some of the arbitrary bitterness that we are thrown causing some spills as we go on. I grow impatient if i couldnt express what i have inside me but its a long shot. As with everything else, the feelings and thoughts in order to be understood needs to be out there with someone worthy of reciprocating with a humane gesture otherwise you are just talking to a log of wood!

The ruin from the past can be used to build on our present and the future; with the dust and labor of the past we can almost accurately picture the future there is.

So far

A moment to let mind wander, as i sat in front of glaring computer screens with my mind telling me to focus on the task at hand. I figured in the past two years, life and rightly with it, my outlook has changed.
Anxiousness what future holds has taken the place of what used to be my nature of exploring and contemplation. The wide awake mind at 1 AM tells me i am not satisfied with how things have shaped in last few years although forever grateful for what  have and achieved.

It is true when a degree of happiness is related to work we do everyday. When that work becomes rather demanding and stressful, the satisfaction and content you get at the end of the day is even more important than on a normal day. It sounds like a cliche but my dreams changed and kept pace with reality somehow as if following a defined path plotted time v relations. i had my dreams in control and told myself not to dream so high that i might just on face not to get up ever again. No one ever told me to do that, perhaps a risk averse nature was inherited from my early childhood.

I always felt that i had innate desire get ahead and be successful at anything i chose to do. For simplicity, anything would have been wonderful to start sketching on an empty canvas but then came along what others think success is. And t kept changing the face and definition. From being in a bigger city to becoming an Engineer to IT to going abroad became benchmarks of the success i was shown around.

I became more focused on how to secure that position of success and whats the best way, not the quickest but the most sustainable and resolute. I decided i want to be in Energy business in future considering the crazy hype it had around me and partly to my interest in fluids. But destiny had some other plans for me taking me to Scotland rather than Canada.
 
The path i am on is filled with surprises and a strange emptiness which pushes me to do more than myself but i feel i had been too cautious along the way and i am sick of it. Being cautious and playing safe. As i learned for good reasons, there is nothing to lose and money as mean to survive should never be a sticking point in your decision making. I want to ride the wave and take risks i have so far resisted.