Measured feelings

After a cool breezy 4-year haul of my life that I enormously loathed, pricking out a couple of high points is a fairly easy task easier than putting together a Sudoku .Throughout the entire period of four year constraint I failed to embrace a change ,too dreadful to be true of sorts.
Lord saved me some grace.
In the meantime I hardly understood the pretensions they (people, most of them) so gladly displayed .As if a page torn out of a hardy boys’ thriller, something missing in between the lines for their own good. I despised the casual vanity and conceited hanging of some people. The dialogues I shared were lost in a heady mix of too casual utterances some even turned blatant of their egos. Hurting both sideways like someone got hold of my balls. I never seemed to care about despair it all lead me too. It went on all along.
So little too late.
After a long period (which I don’t remember) I met an old friend, who was around home for a short run of vacation. There was an air unease on both the sides, with each of trying to come up with some exact response to the ongoing rambling. He was heavily absorbed in the facts of his own being and couldn’t care less. We really had a great time when we were in school, all that is now toasted for some obscure wilderness in time that went by.
At most of the time my conversation with friends were forced with all the naïve experiences and feigning attributes to the moment in which we shared our words. It was more of my impulse to share what I got and about what I feel. I constantly feel the absence of such a person around me.
Overrunning the facts left me a bit of quandary about the way I pitched things for myself. Slowly and surely I entered into a trance. So much, to my fragile heart .It seemed like ages since I was out there. Over and over again I kept on stumbling on to stones even more weathered. Finally I landed into a zero space that was shut off from rest of the previous hurts and new opportunity, which really made me enjoy a string of heartbreaks. Meanwhile there was a shift in power, a steep shoot in terrorism, victimization, unemployment and the once raging bull finally eating the grass .I sat still in the times of even heavier turmoil. I always felt strongly critical of the policies the government, because of the wide open non-uniformity. ”It’s not going to hurt me” said I to myself. Better late than never.
It was really disheartening to see some of my friends struggling to get a decent start at work. After all these 20 odd years education only to train the minds that in future will not be able to decide for their own good .The immensely talented pools of youth trained by some unskilled obsequies class. Obvious mix of results follows – unprepared minds, going haywire faced with decision making. The ills of the system leaves a deadly trail on the tracts if the young fellows .What a shame.
Overpowering, now I am driving out of home with precisely nowhere to go, atop a hill I sat after cruising some miles. The dense mist of air is supremely thick and cold here. I step back; I am alone here surrounded by a city. I strung out the gloomy thoughts and feel a placid mist of nothingness taking over me.
Turning a cynic.
Over past a month I am working towards a dream that I see coming closer to me still unformed in my eyes growing stronger than ever. My hunger for creative expression going haywire all at the same time. it takes hours to figure out what exactly to write about and shaping my writing pieces grows into a huge task again. Reading is less frequent nowadays with only a couple of novels at the desk.