Taxi driver

                                              ..

Ride # 2

I had a bad day not because I feel like being strung out but because I had this paper in the afternoon which I had to write and write and keep on writing, seemed like centuries long. I passed up walking out of that morgue where I all I could see was crowd.

Here I am sitting in my room. After I hit high I have been coming to terms with I and myself because I feel me and myself are alike they want same things and I seems more of my prerogative. Our favorite joint hostel porch, I am with Amit, I passed up this time high on smoke in its whirling glory. I had this back when I puffed on second one and I felt myself getting lighter like when something breaks free and the rush you feel out of yourself, this is damn right. I duck for support and by the time I walked in here I was in vertigo. I see my things coming to me one at one time and then rushing in. Just same as I felt my heart swinging medley to me like I am going to bid goodbye to myself.

I am feeling little shaky and week, my songs are changing too frequently because I m feeling a little uneasy .Just then my phone beeps “oh it’s some text”. I think I cannot figure out what I want right now. Sometime, like this time, myself think it want her as something I didn’t have. Not as far as I can remember. But at the same time I don’t want her extravagantly or as something is due on me. I want her freely as this wind. Myself is in altercation with I and I see it winning.

My soul and body are at floating levels alien to one other to feel it all now.

There is a force when you think you are up for this game that will never leave you free it’s heady. I don’t want to see you like this” said I to myself. How can I love you when you left no time for yourself to love me? You think I do this and that for us. But I don’t want to do things. I think it’s absolutely waste to make someone understand so much to the point you never told you so, no point left.

Welcome to my life.

I don’t want to take any shit not anymore not that I want it but because not from you for you don’t know what it’s like. I have said much I have tried to hold on much and much more I cannot go on more insensitive this. My dreams are coming true when I see you not there in them I see you remote and into yourself. Now I would like to hate you a little. I resist it but can’t help it. I give it up I cannot balance my anger towards her insensitivity. How can someone be so blind? Well I have no idea of this.

I look inside to gather what I miss and I see nothing that I can recollect and I let it trip. Such was the rush of the blood and sudden surge of throwing up.

The deceptive thing about feelings are that once they are strong you generally know what to do but when you let them slip sideways it’s a real tough task to get off the hook of the vicious circle.

The smoke seems to feel my lungs and take me on a ride with winds so silent, I feel weak as weak as the smoke and yet there is something that is liberating about it, smoke rises above us thereafter.

BY  Zaki Hasan

CAUTION: (This article may seem broken ,disturbing, bizarre).

Always something

besides an empty road i saw glance of u in a single breath
i could not but hold on to the breeze
blowing yet silent leaving me cold
thought i care not for a single moment
and then i wondered up the skies
all seems blue as blue as me
no one cared to know enough
still remains to be discovered!
i look for answers of my own concience
and find them blowing in the wind
catch up with one or two
and close my eyes to rest few
i want to hurry up easing this unnamed feeling
inside me i just wanna know i am complete
like raindrops on my smothered eyes
blinding the despair inside.

Untitiled

Sunset at hostel

Exams started well on the scheduled date with first paper through I am waiting for the second to come over so that third maybe mugged up well like others. And so on.

The winters are on full swing since some 15 days and it is a chilling pleasure to sit in your room and watch those winds blow past the window pane. Outdoors are calm, soothing like an isolated plain stretch of desert which once used to witness rush. College campus blooms in winters with hardly anyone to witness the cold. The corridors once swarmed with students now stay mooted waiting to boot as soon as the semester begins. As a hosteller I am lucky to live close by the college which is 2 minute walk away. Exams came way too heavy on the winters with no time to enjoy the weather. All we do is sit and sleep and if time allows mugging is there to the rescue. No studies. The great engineers to be.

The semester are like fall, the season only blooms at the end when there are escape. We resort to text or cheaper versions. Tests are sometimes pissing. The span of these events always sends alarm signals ringing. They never been a burden to me but there timing has of-course been a bone of contention between no. of agreements and things that I need to do on time. For the record sake I have been through almost seven odd semesters in this college and like every time else my next move has not unraveled onto me. I sit back and lament on what I would have been doing if I were not here. Deeply annoying. But that’s the way it has been for over 3 years.

With all the perplexing delight to write this piece I am thrilled to think of the exams when they are over. There are lots of plans in place once exams get over. In the meantime New Year arrived too.

Past month (December/08) saw me accepting many changes .There has been sort of romance about everything giving way to my exasperations. In the turn of events stumbling onto different indulgences writing from reading, photography from movies, pure physics from magazines (not from textbooks mind you) mathematics is in the synchronous pipeline .Blogging from writing, someway interconnected. Time to take a leap, mates.

Someday I am suffering from chronic a headache instigated by the ugly textbooks that lay all around my room .My room is now a corner to abandon all the trash coming out of studies. My bed, desk stands and laptop are all book stands now. The place where I sit is an electrical hazard with all kind of wires you can imagine running freely anis tropically. There shall be no wonder if I get shocked out of this mess.

Time to inhale some fresh air.

Love

2008: A photo essay

Electric hazard or running anarchy?
(Almora ,December)


Travellers
(Nainital, December)
A trip to remeber.


Shy guy from Himalayas
(Almora, December)



Tree unioun


My window



The ghats of Benaras : May
there is so much to this place than just being a ghat
something to remember for a long time.



My longest ride: September 2008

Goodbye 2008: Myriad musing

At the break of the year 2009 everyone was too busy on phone greeting each other blankly or gladly.The greetings were either forced or they were light hearted , letter one makes some sense.Out on streets chasing darkness with booze and high pitched sound systems the mantra is to lose control.There is too much done to celebrate new year.
The shine comes into play well ahead of a new year eve when we start to roll out the plans for that big day .....ooops night to correct it.

Everyone starts dreaming about the things they will do in new year and how they can make use of it in the best possible way.Its all good but people still dont get over the silly notion of "they will keep on doing the same thing they did on the first day of the year" good or bad -it sucks.

I was with some friends at the new year do in my hostel room , i called it do becuase for others it really was the same and i cant take the fun away from them just for the sake of being clear.some friends gathered with booze (that is the only thing you cant miss at such a party- and you cant say no), the only ceremonius concoction.I sat there with them in my room with no music, non-sense all over the place.It felt like we were given a lifetime chance to celebrate this momentous day and it will be our last day on this planet. Part started and everyone got into gear, especially my friend Akhilesh known for his stupid laughs at every point of the conversation no matter what it is. you'll see him chuckling and trying to expect the same from others. Well there we were with him Rohit and Seemant(meaning- one who never talks sense)

I was a little out of everything ,though i made a cool company but i was thinking of something else that was running my mind and i could'nt get it out.

Back again , hostel drama again.

"i know ,you know who is the mole " said one friend expecting a gaffe from me.
I nodded in affirmation .
"you have to be part of the crowd where some shitheads lead you to shit in your own home"he continued .There was lot of doubt clearing as the clock struck past 00:00 everone then greeted almost everyone.My body still aches because of the pain.

"I dont give a shit now(to all that happened and will happen) as i m out of this"said I.

There was a mild trans fusion music runnig in the backdrop of bonfire that was lit in the middle of the stretch in campus.I sat around there bidding goodbye to the times taht passed and trying to figure out what it is that really makes me happy.Conclusive of all the musing i did there is perserving effort in all my plans abot my future and present.

My new year resolution - "carry on the work where i left it , get clear of the clutters in the backyard"