Measured feelings

After a cool breezy 4-year haul of my life that I enormously loathed, pricking out a couple of high points is a fairly easy task easier than putting together a Sudoku .Throughout the entire period of four year constraint I failed to embrace a change ,too dreadful to be true of sorts.
Lord saved me some grace.
In the meantime I hardly understood the pretensions they (people, most of them) so gladly displayed .As if a page torn out of a hardy boys’ thriller, something missing in between the lines for their own good. I despised the casual vanity and conceited hanging of some people. The dialogues I shared were lost in a heady mix of too casual utterances some even turned blatant of their egos. Hurting both sideways like someone got hold of my balls. I never seemed to care about despair it all lead me too. It went on all along.
So little too late.
After a long period (which I don’t remember) I met an old friend, who was around home for a short run of vacation. There was an air unease on both the sides, with each of trying to come up with some exact response to the ongoing rambling. He was heavily absorbed in the facts of his own being and couldn’t care less. We really had a great time when we were in school, all that is now toasted for some obscure wilderness in time that went by.
At most of the time my conversation with friends were forced with all the naïve experiences and feigning attributes to the moment in which we shared our words. It was more of my impulse to share what I got and about what I feel. I constantly feel the absence of such a person around me.
Overrunning the facts left me a bit of quandary about the way I pitched things for myself. Slowly and surely I entered into a trance. So much, to my fragile heart .It seemed like ages since I was out there. Over and over again I kept on stumbling on to stones even more weathered. Finally I landed into a zero space that was shut off from rest of the previous hurts and new opportunity, which really made me enjoy a string of heartbreaks. Meanwhile there was a shift in power, a steep shoot in terrorism, victimization, unemployment and the once raging bull finally eating the grass .I sat still in the times of even heavier turmoil. I always felt strongly critical of the policies the government, because of the wide open non-uniformity. ”It’s not going to hurt me” said I to myself. Better late than never.
It was really disheartening to see some of my friends struggling to get a decent start at work. After all these 20 odd years education only to train the minds that in future will not be able to decide for their own good .The immensely talented pools of youth trained by some unskilled obsequies class. Obvious mix of results follows – unprepared minds, going haywire faced with decision making. The ills of the system leaves a deadly trail on the tracts if the young fellows .What a shame.
Overpowering, now I am driving out of home with precisely nowhere to go, atop a hill I sat after cruising some miles. The dense mist of air is supremely thick and cold here. I step back; I am alone here surrounded by a city. I strung out the gloomy thoughts and feel a placid mist of nothingness taking over me.
Turning a cynic.
Over past a month I am working towards a dream that I see coming closer to me still unformed in my eyes growing stronger than ever. My hunger for creative expression going haywire all at the same time. it takes hours to figure out what exactly to write about and shaping my writing pieces grows into a huge task again. Reading is less frequent nowadays with only a couple of novels at the desk.

Love affairs, sleepless nights and a year later

"An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception."

Harold Loukes

Harold and wordsworth can wait, what about my definitions.
Love doesn’t seem to stay with me in any form and in any manifestation. Not long ago I wished I could love over and over again not bothering to look through anymore. Infectious, I may call it for obvious reasons once you are involved it’s tough to do without it or at least some one is at loss (partially).
Like you can never do without a Sunday morning sunshine, filtering through the narrow pass in that window of your, taking over the senses just when you wake up fresh out of your night-mere. You look around find yourself clinging to your sheet like an old rug never gave up; still in those pajamas you put on TV and make yourself a cuppa with your head humming like a drum off the last night’s hangover. And you, of course, forget the excruciating altercation you had over the bar with yourself. You can listen to yourself, still, without your phone numb and suddenly out of nothing you get back on your feet to grab your phone to dial a number. That is half formed in your memory but somehow you press harder on the keys and pressing the call button.
By then the cord of his rambling existence began to unravel for this moment in time when he himself had too much to care about. He believed he will never want to see her again so much as he knew. There were no false dreams, no love, no efforts to reclaim what he seemingly lost, since the last time they saw each other. Only for the time he felt he was too naïve to have looked at her the way he did, he realized he was being awfully exhausted in his share of free sunshine and he shrugged off from sharing it with anyone, just no one no more.
The cacophonous electronic beep inside of his ears one after another and punctured his patience even more. The beep now went on hold and….

“Yeah”
“I thought I wish you a happy birthday”
“Well thank you, why did you bothered”
“How are you doing?”
“I am great and you”
“I am great and it’s a great morning too”
“Where are you?”
“I am around”
“Hammmm”
“Finally I did heard what I was missing and you know what it never made any difference but the thing is that I didn’t said a single word to make it up, maybe I could have, but I didn’t see it happening to us and it made things just a bit like jungle and At the end of the day it had to happen. Why did you do this to me?”
“I hated liars, I told you”
“As if you entered an agreement yeah but that was meant for you can’t you see now?”
“Whatever I am not in for this today”
“Today is not you day”
“I killed it! And I am out here”
“Good for you! I know, you so much wanted it”
Say something (longer pause)
“I am not able to get rid of you”
“You will”
“Have you”
“Next question”
“I just did, I’ll hang up”

Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…… went the line

“I’ve lost it”

No one tells you how far you can go chasing that one big dream that never materialized (debatable).
Risking all what you have got to trade for them becomes an obvious alternative, rather cruelly crushing of reasons but that’s how it goes.
I go back to my bed to romance with my Engineering articles and my core loneliness with vestiges of my hopes intertwined with cynicism.
Its Nov. 2008 life has come full circle since then. I wonder why it (my life) screeched to an amusing halt for some time. Maybe because it just never sleep.
And move over oldies? He was right, when he painfully sung..

“”No one knows what it’s like to be a bad man
To be sad man behind blue eyes”

I’ve lost! The good part is I’ve lost her!! The bad part how did I lost her?
Maybe I still don’t have the answer.

CALL OF THE METAL : I

One day on the packed sidewalks and lanes of the community centre in Vasant Vihar , i walked in silence and roar at the same time though i was with a friend i unconciously shifted to a dull and gloom all in myself .I could hear the people laugh and walk past me in a brazen kind of manner that was very full of feigning reasones and failing solitude.I was alone as a matter of fact i for no reasone had the excuse for being so cynical.Hanging out late nights have been a old hunt for me without much of sense .Somehow it reminds me of my being and it reminds me of what exactly the picture is like when one confronts the darkness.
I had been facinated by mere thought of shopping and i can go any length just to grab a place in the market full of shoppers buying happiness out of cash or credit whatever.I can always get up in the middle of night an go shopping.This time was very different i was not out on purpose, with myself stuffed with lot of apprehensions for the night ahead.I steeped out of my car with my dear friend and started to walk on the main street leading to the rear of the place that recieves the majority of the revellers,sat there on a fountain clutching on to a side-stone with a hand already busy with an egg-roll munching and i really wanted to go out in the middle loud and hard to sing a song by Metallica called "turn the page" but soon i realised it was a dream.
Later we stepped into a joint harshly done with loud interiors with an extravagance of a blacksmith workshop and they proudly call it Metal as if in desperate need of recognition.playing hard rock and sub generes satiate them dry.
I strolled ahead on a street leading to the main one and i see some more cafe's and bistro's famous for there ""Good entry regimes"" i hate them all for every reason possible.I really have a fond memory of this nature in south Delhi itself.
Loving the music i grew up have few takers and very few can stand it literally.for some reasons Metal soothes me and reminds me of presence of something strong that connects me back to everything. So lost i can only hope for a better place and more of such places and joints that really can make someones day.