Taxi driver

                                              ..

Ride # 2

I had a bad day not because I feel like being strung out but because I had this paper in the afternoon which I had to write and write and keep on writing, seemed like centuries long. I passed up walking out of that morgue where I all I could see was crowd.

Here I am sitting in my room. After I hit high I have been coming to terms with I and myself because I feel me and myself are alike they want same things and I seems more of my prerogative. Our favorite joint hostel porch, I am with Amit, I passed up this time high on smoke in its whirling glory. I had this back when I puffed on second one and I felt myself getting lighter like when something breaks free and the rush you feel out of yourself, this is damn right. I duck for support and by the time I walked in here I was in vertigo. I see my things coming to me one at one time and then rushing in. Just same as I felt my heart swinging medley to me like I am going to bid goodbye to myself.

I am feeling little shaky and week, my songs are changing too frequently because I m feeling a little uneasy .Just then my phone beeps “oh it’s some text”. I think I cannot figure out what I want right now. Sometime, like this time, myself think it want her as something I didn’t have. Not as far as I can remember. But at the same time I don’t want her extravagantly or as something is due on me. I want her freely as this wind. Myself is in altercation with I and I see it winning.

My soul and body are at floating levels alien to one other to feel it all now.

There is a force when you think you are up for this game that will never leave you free it’s heady. I don’t want to see you like this” said I to myself. How can I love you when you left no time for yourself to love me? You think I do this and that for us. But I don’t want to do things. I think it’s absolutely waste to make someone understand so much to the point you never told you so, no point left.

Welcome to my life.

I don’t want to take any shit not anymore not that I want it but because not from you for you don’t know what it’s like. I have said much I have tried to hold on much and much more I cannot go on more insensitive this. My dreams are coming true when I see you not there in them I see you remote and into yourself. Now I would like to hate you a little. I resist it but can’t help it. I give it up I cannot balance my anger towards her insensitivity. How can someone be so blind? Well I have no idea of this.

I look inside to gather what I miss and I see nothing that I can recollect and I let it trip. Such was the rush of the blood and sudden surge of throwing up.

The deceptive thing about feelings are that once they are strong you generally know what to do but when you let them slip sideways it’s a real tough task to get off the hook of the vicious circle.

The smoke seems to feel my lungs and take me on a ride with winds so silent, I feel weak as weak as the smoke and yet there is something that is liberating about it, smoke rises above us thereafter.

BY  Zaki Hasan

CAUTION: (This article may seem broken ,disturbing, bizarre).

Always something

besides an empty road i saw glance of u in a single breath
i could not but hold on to the breeze
blowing yet silent leaving me cold
thought i care not for a single moment
and then i wondered up the skies
all seems blue as blue as me
no one cared to know enough
still remains to be discovered!
i look for answers of my own concience
and find them blowing in the wind
catch up with one or two
and close my eyes to rest few
i want to hurry up easing this unnamed feeling
inside me i just wanna know i am complete
like raindrops on my smothered eyes
blinding the despair inside.

Taxi Driver

Ride # 1

The eyes glowing so like a bulb, I feel weak and the body a little numb. I say this at the brink of my heart pounding out of my fucking mouth. I make sense of myself, being in place of others makes more sense than a little while guilt and pride strikes you all along.

I now walk in the brazen, cold wind, what if I wasn’t there too often.That would be right, but was enough to drive the pleasure out of it for while. It was a way out of the blank

I sat there with 3 more- Amit, Shubham and Rohit – the partners in drive joined by out Treasurer Mr. Guard, passing up the grass. I waited there on the edge of chair for the trip to start the rip. I lit it on a point of a light. The trip started with me in the driving seat. The taxi is a test of to hold on the ecstasy of trip while it move a full circle, then you can pass up the urgency of lungs to breath. You puff on and on wanting more than before, pulling up the hunches. The smoke passes up though the nerves liberating the tied soul .In a moment a myriad of curiosity passed before my eyes.

The rush of blood to my head shoots a bit.

That’s what I was craving for long to loosen my buttons. That was awesome. We had this going for a rough 30minutes and then took a break. Shubham laughed his wits out even out seemingly straight stuff. We all let it go a bit more .Someone pulled the last one and let it drop.

Lights out!

The reasons

I am on the edge of my bed, its 3 am in the morning I woke up halfway through with my sleep I can’t sleep. The reason I don’t dare to know. I am overcome with intensity of hurt crushing me narrowly in silence of the night. After all it’s a collective thought / feeling. There are only few people around that makes it a point to feel lonely about something’s and brood about it later on, as I did for myself. It’s a vicious circle, that old feeling of guilt kicking in and walking alone.
Finally I can figure out the things that happened to me in time around, it’s all the part of providence and life, doing all bits to teach lessons.
Awake when half the world is asleep, no one stands beside me .I am just through with a meaningless drive – after an illicit walkout into a person, equally harmless in routine. Control of nerves was what I learned and how to put too much of my face in there, jokes apart. Sex is sex, after all.
Closely chasing onto absurdity of details of events, people some of the truth began to tumble out, emanating righteously. I saw through lies and phoniness of my friends. The most annoying details I saw in this all was snobbery people resort to in time of face off with themselves as if they can’t take what they stand for.
There are no claims like “I am your best friends” and so on or someone coming over to me with all his/her heart poured out to me about anything at all. I just fear myself dead in the wake of the day when I think about the friends I chose to be my friends. I wish I can come back and remove some from my life. Thank god life offers you with no second chances.
The usual reference to the friendship so far has been a couple of names, because I never felt such paucity of a real person called friend even before followed by all what I am.
I look at this in another way the sooner the better, situations reveal man to him. So have I taken a leap in this quest it’s yet to be seen?
I feel handicapped when it comes to judging people they have their own pretensions disguised as particular attitude towards specific things. Just like a person who knows she doesn’t love you and hangs on to you pretending to do the same.
It’s face of death, like strangling someone to death on a comfy bed. Why everyone is so busy pretending to be what he she is not and in turn losing what one stands for.
It’s their own free will to chose and they chose to be losers. I can’t help it.
Loss of something brings something back to you, in the turn of events.

Measured feelings

After a cool breezy 4-year haul of my life that I enormously loathed, pricking out a couple of high points is a fairly easy task easier than putting together a Sudoku .Throughout the entire period of four year constraint I failed to embrace a change ,too dreadful to be true of sorts.
Lord saved me some grace.
In the meantime I hardly understood the pretensions they (people, most of them) so gladly displayed .As if a page torn out of a hardy boys’ thriller, something missing in between the lines for their own good. I despised the casual vanity and conceited hanging of some people. The dialogues I shared were lost in a heady mix of too casual utterances some even turned blatant of their egos. Hurting both sideways like someone got hold of my balls. I never seemed to care about despair it all lead me too. It went on all along.
So little too late.
After a long period (which I don’t remember) I met an old friend, who was around home for a short run of vacation. There was an air unease on both the sides, with each of trying to come up with some exact response to the ongoing rambling. He was heavily absorbed in the facts of his own being and couldn’t care less. We really had a great time when we were in school, all that is now toasted for some obscure wilderness in time that went by.
At most of the time my conversation with friends were forced with all the naïve experiences and feigning attributes to the moment in which we shared our words. It was more of my impulse to share what I got and about what I feel. I constantly feel the absence of such a person around me.
Overrunning the facts left me a bit of quandary about the way I pitched things for myself. Slowly and surely I entered into a trance. So much, to my fragile heart .It seemed like ages since I was out there. Over and over again I kept on stumbling on to stones even more weathered. Finally I landed into a zero space that was shut off from rest of the previous hurts and new opportunity, which really made me enjoy a string of heartbreaks. Meanwhile there was a shift in power, a steep shoot in terrorism, victimization, unemployment and the once raging bull finally eating the grass .I sat still in the times of even heavier turmoil. I always felt strongly critical of the policies the government, because of the wide open non-uniformity. ”It’s not going to hurt me” said I to myself. Better late than never.
It was really disheartening to see some of my friends struggling to get a decent start at work. After all these 20 odd years education only to train the minds that in future will not be able to decide for their own good .The immensely talented pools of youth trained by some unskilled obsequies class. Obvious mix of results follows – unprepared minds, going haywire faced with decision making. The ills of the system leaves a deadly trail on the tracts if the young fellows .What a shame.
Overpowering, now I am driving out of home with precisely nowhere to go, atop a hill I sat after cruising some miles. The dense mist of air is supremely thick and cold here. I step back; I am alone here surrounded by a city. I strung out the gloomy thoughts and feel a placid mist of nothingness taking over me.
Turning a cynic.
Over past a month I am working towards a dream that I see coming closer to me still unformed in my eyes growing stronger than ever. My hunger for creative expression going haywire all at the same time. it takes hours to figure out what exactly to write about and shaping my writing pieces grows into a huge task again. Reading is less frequent nowadays with only a couple of novels at the desk.

Winding back/ 22 sept

Its 6 am,Its been a crazy time for the last two days since i have been glued to my desk

preparing posts and deciphering blogging.Its the new fad thta i am stuck to for now on.

Thought of it to be a simple, plain affair but it's something you can't fathom at one go.

All you need a liitle patience baby!

So, here i am now i had hard luck retrieving data from my computer as i fell slightly back on my memory of password and i was just on the verge of losing all !!!!! my data, of course.

But somehow i managed to get something back and i had to lose somethings i did'nt remember.

Talking of blogging i am really in a fix how to use the empty spaces left by addtion of pics and the hyperlinks are not at all visible in my blog, which links directly to a a particular post about something and the layout i wanted is not there.

Well i can clip from here and there and the blog will be ready for the kill in some days till then you'll be informed about the details.

To be a Slave of Intensity

Friend, hope for the guest while you are alive.

Jump into experience while you are alive!

Think...and think...while you are alive.

What you call 'salvation' belongs to the time before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,

do you think

ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic

Just because the body is rotten -

that is all fantasy.

What is found now is found then.

If you find nothing now,

you will simply end up with an apartment in the City of Death.

If you make love with the divine now, in the next life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,

Believe in the Great Sound!