Another night

Somewhere in Scotland, i sit by my window open at 3AM, just now thought where i am going at this moment. My friend is sleeping over at the moment and my life is not that exciting, vulnerable to some human being, i must say. As much i like to believe i should go on with what i have started a strange feeling pulling me back saying i should rather not instead, it should be evil. The distance is apparently a big factor or i am just dreaming, what is not to be worked out is not supposed to be pursued. This all sorted, hoping to be present at some other place where i don't belong is just too much to think about, some other time. Friendship and love gives me a headache to an extent where i cant be myself shutting down whats not good for me at the moment. I think this life is good enough to be yourself, to make a good example out of your own. Love wont wont work, it just makes you worse, it would come to a full circle someday.

Taxi driver

                                              ..

Ride # 2

I had a bad day not because I feel like being strung out but because I had this paper in the afternoon which I had to write and write and keep on writing, seemed like centuries long. I passed up walking out of that morgue where I all I could see was crowd.

Here I am sitting in my room. After I hit high I have been coming to terms with I and myself because I feel me and myself are alike they want same things and I seems more of my prerogative. Our favorite joint hostel porch, I am with Amit, I passed up this time high on smoke in its whirling glory. I had this back when I puffed on second one and I felt myself getting lighter like when something breaks free and the rush you feel out of yourself, this is damn right. I duck for support and by the time I walked in here I was in vertigo. I see my things coming to me one at one time and then rushing in. Just same as I felt my heart swinging medley to me like I am going to bid goodbye to myself.

I am feeling little shaky and week, my songs are changing too frequently because I m feeling a little uneasy .Just then my phone beeps “oh it’s some text”. I think I cannot figure out what I want right now. Sometime, like this time, myself think it want her as something I didn’t have. Not as far as I can remember. But at the same time I don’t want her extravagantly or as something is due on me. I want her freely as this wind. Myself is in altercation with I and I see it winning.

My soul and body are at floating levels alien to one other to feel it all now.

There is a force when you think you are up for this game that will never leave you free it’s heady. I don’t want to see you like this” said I to myself. How can I love you when you left no time for yourself to love me? You think I do this and that for us. But I don’t want to do things. I think it’s absolutely waste to make someone understand so much to the point you never told you so, no point left.

Welcome to my life.

I don’t want to take any shit not anymore not that I want it but because not from you for you don’t know what it’s like. I have said much I have tried to hold on much and much more I cannot go on more insensitive this. My dreams are coming true when I see you not there in them I see you remote and into yourself. Now I would like to hate you a little. I resist it but can’t help it. I give it up I cannot balance my anger towards her insensitivity. How can someone be so blind? Well I have no idea of this.

I look inside to gather what I miss and I see nothing that I can recollect and I let it trip. Such was the rush of the blood and sudden surge of throwing up.

The deceptive thing about feelings are that once they are strong you generally know what to do but when you let them slip sideways it’s a real tough task to get off the hook of the vicious circle.

The smoke seems to feel my lungs and take me on a ride with winds so silent, I feel weak as weak as the smoke and yet there is something that is liberating about it, smoke rises above us thereafter.

BY  Zaki Hasan

CAUTION: (This article may seem broken ,disturbing, bizarre).